Six months on, we are back to our old lives, and my last
step was heading back to work.
Work seemed like a pretty big hurdle. It was the first group
of people I left and the last I rejoined and therefore had the biggest run up. (Anticipation
can be exhausting. )
I was lucky that by the time Christmas came I was recovered
enough to meet the group for drinks after their Christmas lunch.
(Above) New year celebration with lanterns on Thai beach
In the new year I went in for a hand over and it was oh so
very weird to be back in the office even for those few hours.
First day back to work was very strange. It was pretty sad
to be doing my normal trip in, under the circumstances. It wasn't how it was
supposed to be.
The first week was fine, but I truly under estimated how overwhelming
it would be to finish on the Friday. Actually, I was caught off guard to be
overwhelmed at all. Completely
unexpected. I had an overwhelming wave of sadness which I couldn't understand.
I let that wave hit me and I rode it, and as with all waves I
came out the other end and stood tall again, and then went back to work . Those waves can be
horrible, its sometimes illogical, hard to explain, yet its so powerful its impossible to deny and push aside. It can be a wave of devastation, anger,
sadness or any emotion really. And the triggers of the wave can be unpredictable
I feel like I have a filter on at work. I’m a different person, just enough to notice.
I’m not the same person that left. I’ve been
through hell.
I have wondered if my
experience of getting back to life is something like soldiers feel when they
come back from war. I’ve seen and experienced life and death. I’ve walked that
fine line. We made life and death decisions for someone so innocent.
Soldiers however don't go to war assuming they are going to
have the most amazing experience though. I did. It was to be one of the most
amazing life changing moments. It was life changing though, the moment the AFE hit me turned our lives around and had us facing something no parent should
ever experience.
(Above) One of many beautiful sunsets in Koh Tao
Back on track now. We are doing well, healthy, and I’ll
admit it. We are happy. We have our moments here and there, but we are happy
and strong. I truly believe we have done everything that seems right for our
little angel girl. We have honoured her and I make a point of taking a moment
for her during truly beautiful moments that life brings us. I don’t want to
just think of her when im overcome with sadness. I want her to be able to take
pleasure in the beautiful things. I think that might seem strange to some
people but you do what ever you can to make things seem right .
You have to remember, I'm still Chloe’s mother. I still want
good things for her. Those hormones mothers get to look after their babies.... don't
just shut off.
I thought i'd include this picture (above) It was hard to even decide to hold Chloe. Here I am before we are to take off life support. I was terrified to hold her, it would be the first and last time. I thought it would be such a traumatic event. I'd only met her a couples of times before. But of course, these are moments you can't have over. And its one of several moments i've had to 'suck it up' because its just the right thing to do. Again, you do what you have to do. I now understand, being a mother/parent is one of the hardest jobs of all.
We have hopes for another baby, I just pray with all my might that our next baby is able to appreciate those simple things in life that Chloe never got.
Appreciate the small pleasures life brings you.......'don't sweat the small stuff'.
K.
